Passive aggressive sticky note behind the Dillard’s kids section cash register.
Driving to my sister’s house for Christmas Eve dinner, my son asks if Disney Land is named after Disney+
Outsmarted
At home from school for Thanksgiving break.
H: Aaron, do you want to play house with my dolls?
A: No.
H: How about we play with your cars?
A: OK!
H: They can’t be race cars. They have to be family cars. This is the mommy car, the daddy car, the baby car.
A: OK!
Nathaniel Rateliff’s song S.O.B. is playing in the car.
H: Is this song called SOB?
A: No, it’s called Son of a Bitch.
Watching a survival documentary on National Geographic…
“This program contains images of tribal nudity”
Moments later
Kids: Eeeeeewww!
A: He ate a beetle larva!
H: He ate that cause he’s in nature, and there’s no food when you’re in nature.
Mask Pants
Me: H, are you still wearing your mask from school?
H: Oh. Yeah. I forget it’s on sometimes.
A: After it’s been on your face all day, you forget you’re wearing it. Just like pants.
Worth It
I go to get ice cream for H.
A: Can I have some?
I look at him.
Me: Are you really sure?
A: …yes. I know it’ll make my tummy hurt, but it will be worth it.
Me: You’re gonna make the best adult one day.
A: I know. When I’m an adult I can make all sorts of risky decisions.
H asks…
H: Dad, what color is your heart for real?
Me: Uhh, dark red?
H: No! That’s maroooooon!
We bought A a new game for his Switch (Donkey Kong: Tropical Freeze) for being so good in school. He says..
A: This is the best present ever!
Me: Better than your sister?
A: No, she’s still in the lead.
Don’t tell me Covid and quarantine didn’t mentally fuck up a generation of kids.
H, sobbing before bed…
I don’t want to die someday.
And then…
But what if you and mommy die when I’m still a kid?